because then the moments when you feel connected to people
mean extra
right?
Do people like the concept of me better than the reality?
Maybe I don't know how to access the reality of myself yet
at least with others
how do some people do that so easily?
I'm stuck acting within the idea of who I think I am
I'm fickle. I don't ever know completely what I want. These trials are teaching me something though. Unfortunately I'm just not quite there yet.
Just because you can try all the options doesn't mean any of them are correct. Good job, you can tally on your list that you bagged another few last night. Roped em in. What a tease. What do you gain? You know you don't really want them. None of them here, at least. I wonder how long I'll have to search.
I need a person who talks to me in a way I feel is real and direct. Who won't let me evade or play the bad part of my games. Who sees the truth of me. Who cares about what I do but lets it remain mine. A person who has their own interests, hobbies, goals, motivation. I can't be their entire muse, but I want us to both inspire each other by our own dedication to what we love. I want a funny person who is secretly evil in the same ways I am. I want to think you're a babe. I want you to think I'm a babe. I need intelligence. I need logic and cleverness. I need emotional stability. Mutual respect. I want a person who quiets down all the other options.
Anyway, I'm hungover on a train and all my friends seem to be in love right now and it's so annoying. It's bad when you see people being happy and it makes you irritated. Why does growing up have to feel so shitty sometimes?
Also, grown up. "grown ups"....that suggests that you grow up from a child and then you're an adult and you're done growing. I'm pretty sure that's not how it works. You just grow into your body, but uh, your mind isn't ever all the way grown up. Well, maybe like when you get really old you reach a certain clarity. I'm so far from it it's hilarious. That part of being old will be great, but the body decay part will suck. You win some you lose some.
