rant

Post high school I immediately entered art school at California College of the Arts. I had absolutely no time to evaluate my life, or gain any sort of perspective outside of the tiny protective bubble that had been my life up until the age of 18. Upon entering CCA, I began to broaden my understanding of the world. I met new kinds of people, and had my first real relationship. All the while, I was taking classes in order to hone my craft as a painter. I find it unfortunate that these two aspects of my life fell at the same time, although I still feel as though I gained a lot from my experiences. The problem was that I was too busy experiencing and trying to understand life to fully gain everything I could from the classes I was in.

After 3 years at CCA, for financial as well as personal reasons I moved to Eugene. Once I was away from my past relationship, my artistic community, and general mindset, I was able to better evaluate everything that had happened to me since high school. My last year in California was filled with a lot of negative emotions that didn't allow me to paint as freely as I know that I am able. That all changed once I moved. I live by myself now, which allows total freedom to paint and create whenever and howerever I chose. This is very important to me, because I need to feel very comfortable in my environment in order to create in my truest form. It is also nice for me to live in closer proximity to my family, as they are very important to me.

My first school term in Eugene (fall 2009) was really great, although I wasn't enrolled in any painting classes. I came back to a few old paintings that had been left stagnant for months. I felt incredibly inspired to create, and I knew that I was ready to take my painting to a new level. A lot of the teaching I had from previous teachers began to connect and make a lot more sense during this time. I drew multiple self portraits and began dabbling outside of the abstraction that had been my comfort for so many years.

Upon entering this intermediate painting class my goal was to further my exploration into figurative painting while still involving the textural, color based abstraction that I had spent so much time studying. With the help of my intructor as well as being in a new artistic environment, my development came smoothly and rapidly. I have been looking at lots of books from the library of artists that I admire. From these books I have been trying to understand problem solving techniques used by other artists, and applying those methods to my own work. Some of the artists that I have studied recently are Lucian Frued, Paul Cezanne, Mary Cassatt, Francis Bacon, and Pablo Picasso. Francis Bacon in particular has really influenced my work. He is a deeply twisted man, and his creation comes from a very dark place that I can relate to in a certain sense. I honestly feel that in order to create you need a motive behind it, and often times that motive can be a dark or troubled past or present mind.

As Francis Bacon said, "If you can talk about it, why paint it?" I agree completely. There are some things in this world that lack verbal expression, that can only be expressed visually and emotionally. My art is a direct expression and connection to the feelings inside me, which is what makes it so incredibly personal. What I need to focus on now is figuring out the best way to make my personal expression something that can be universally appreciated and understood.

Looking at past artistic statements I have written in an attempt to explain why I create, I realize more than ever how intent behind art can change so rapidly. All I know is that I need to paint, and without art I would feel very lost in this world without any purpose or stability. Our world is very scary and I am filled with very strong emotions. I am so lucky to have an outlet like painting. I think that everyone needs a way to express the feelings that they have inside of themselves. Without an outlet, people have no way to reflect upon what they are experiencing and can resort to unhealthy outlets such as drugs or alcohol abuse.

With the paintings I have been making lately I do not immediately understand what I am expressing until later in the process as it becomes more clear. For example, the painting that I recently completed titled "Two Sides", shows two redheaded women with abstracted faces. When I first saw the picture this painting is based on, I was immediately attracted to it and knew I had to paint it. I was not sure what about it appealed so much. As I painted, I realized that this painting expresses the two sides within one individual. The human and the manic. The rational and the irrational. The good and the evil. The light and the dark. Within both of these figures are elements of the other. There is a strong crossover between the two, as they are connected within one.

I am also finishing up a self portrait that is very expressive of my current state. I have been studying politics and continue to feel the burden that humanity has put on our planet. I feel that humans are a parasite on this earth, and while I do feel our people need to find an answer to the injustices we are facing, I also feel as though our time on earth may have worn out its welcome. We have destroyed all of our natural resources, and are killing out other species in order to better our own lives. Even in doing so, we are tainting our human connections with one other, by desensitising ourselves so much through money, media, diconnected forms of communication, and over population. My self portrait shows myself with the United States as my clothing. It is what I as a human represent. I represent this damage that our country has done to this world. We are a capitalist nation that is using and abusing its people so that a minute amount of the population can gain economic power and control. This mindset is being globalized. A change must happen.